Dear Listener,

This audio is the only one which describes every last detail of the Baudelaire children's miserable stay at Heimlich Hospital, which makes it one of the most dreadful audios in the world.

There are many pleasant things to listen to, but this audio contains not one of them. Within it are such gruesome details as a suspicious shopkeeper, unnecessary surgery, anesthesia, heart-shaped balloons, and some very startling news about a fire. Clearly you do not want to hear about such things.

I also shouldn't mention the interactive features of the CD, which include:

A perplexing word game • Photos from The Lemony Snicket Archives • Art from The Brett Helquist gallery

I have sworn to research and record this story as best I can, so I should know that this audio is something best left on the ground, where you undoubtedly found it.

With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket