Andy Weinberger’s quarantine jokes

Laugh and the world laughs with you 2.0


Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.




I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.




Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.




Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.




This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog--we laughed a lot.




Quarantine Day 5. Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.




My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.




Day 6 of Homeschooling. Forced to go out in my bathrobe and talk to the police. One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.




I'm so excited—it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?




Hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.




I'm just the messenger, people, and times are strange. If this makes you chuckle even a little bit, well then, I've done my job.





Laugh and the world laughs with you 3.0



Until this week, I never fully realized how much I loved touching my face.


Which reminds me, what's the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.


Coronavirus, they say, is a novel virus.  I don't know about you, but as a bookseller and novel writer, I find this insulting.  


And speaking of which, why do they call it a novel virus?  That's a long story...


Tuesday doesn't seem so bad anymore.  After all, it's a sure sign I survived Monday.


30 days hath September, April, June, and November.  March, however, was infinite.


What's the difference between Covid-19 and Romeo and Juliet?  One's a coronavirus, the other is a Veronacrisis.


The only jokes allowed during the coronavirus are inside jokes.


So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.


I'm waiting for Trump to finally open the country, so I can get out.  Oh, wait--there's nowhere to go.  


Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.




Hope you have enough to see you through another week of this nonsense. God help us.


--Andy Weinberger