Andy Weinberger’s quarantine jokes

Laugh and the world laughs with you 2.0

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Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

 

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I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

 

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Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

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Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

 

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog--we laughed a lot.

 

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Quarantine Day 5. Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

 

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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

 

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Day 6 of Homeschooling. Forced to go out in my bathrobe and talk to the police. One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

 

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I'm so excited—it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

 

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Hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

 

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I'm just the messenger, people, and times are strange. If this makes you chuckle even a little bit, well then, I've done my job.

 

 

 

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you 3.0

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Until this week, I never fully realized how much I loved touching my face.

 

Which reminds me, what's the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.

 

Coronavirus, they say, is a novel virus.  I don't know about you, but as a bookseller and novel writer, I find this insulting.  

 

And speaking of which, why do they call it a novel virus?  That's a long story...

 

Tuesday doesn't seem so bad anymore.  After all, it's a sure sign I survived Monday.

 

30 days hath September, April, June, and November.  March, however, was infinite.

 

What's the difference between Covid-19 and Romeo and Juliet?  One's a coronavirus, the other is a Veronacrisis.

 

The only jokes allowed during the coronavirus are inside jokes.

 

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.

 

I'm waiting for Trump to finally open the country, so I can get out.  Oh, wait--there's nowhere to go.  

 

Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.

 



 

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Hope you have enough to see you through another week of this nonsense. God help us.

 

--Andy Weinberger